Thursday, 2:48pm: United States Post Office, Hampden Branch

Today, I promised that Put That Wherever would return and damn if Baltimore didn't immediately provide. She always provides.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is an ALMOST empty gallon of 2% milk sitting casually near the door of our local post office. Somebody, somewhere in Hampden, was like, "You know what I could go for on this hot ass sunny day? A cold gallon of 2%." I would like to stress that this particular brand of milk can only be purchased at your local Wal-Mart. So some dude didn't just roll into a Sleven or ROFO for his cool gallon, but rather, pulled this from a fridge in a Wal-Mart, like, 7 miles away, and was like, "Oh yeah. You's is gettin' drank." NO. This is an inappropriate amount of milk to drink on a June day in Baltimore, or EVER, ANYWHERE. Now, I know what you all are thinking. You are thinking, "What about the key?!" Yes, the key. I'm going with the theory that these items have completely separate stories and have, through Baltimore Trail Magic, found their way to each other, for us.

God bless the peoples of Charm City just putting that almost drank gallon of 2% milk right there, next to that tiny key.

Monday, 7:12pm: Mid-Town Manhattan, New York

Friends, in the summer I took a brief trip to New York. Lucky for me, New Yorkers, like their counterparts in Baltimore, also find satisfaction in leaving nonsense wherever.  This person, whose injury was I guess healed, saw the words "drop-off", and hastily said, "don't mind if I do".  They ripped the brace from their leg, pulling strap-by-large-velcro-strap, and continued happily down the sidewalk knowing that they had deposited the brace in the appropriate "drop-off" area.  You know, the drop-off area, the one in front of the laundromat, where you put your stuff wherever.  

Sunday, 8:13am: Mt. Royal & Calvert St.

I found this lovely wonder on a perfect Sunday morning, while walking the dog. Coming back inside, the boyfriend and I discussed why such a thing would be left on the sidewalk so early. My guess: onion omelet brunch at a friends house. And I can only hope that there was someone out there saying, "Shit! I lost the half bag of chopped red onion!" Then they sadly proceeded making the omelets, onion-less, because grocery stores round our way don't open until 10 a.m. on Sunday.  Bummer. So, sorry early morning omelet maker, sorry you dropped your half bag of chopped onion wherever.  I hope your day improved or you at least found some mushrooms or peppers or something to substitute. 

Tuesday, 6:00pm: The Fallsway: HISTORIC EDITION

It's no secret that I spend a great deal of my life going up and down the Fallsway.  What is a secret is my fascination of our great city's sewer system.  Citizens, the Jones Falls helped make this city what it is. Hell, part of our humble beginnings used to be called 'Jones' Town'. But the majesty of the river that provided fresh water and ran openly through our streets ended when the old-timey-time citizens and old-timey-time mills turned it into a wretched open sewer causing a massive public health emergency round about the time of the Great Fire. Go figure. So, from the late 1800's into the early 1900's, we buried the fucker. Piped it up so she could not only have a chance to clean herself up but so future citizens would be prevented from using it as a literal shit hole. In 1915, the project was done. The river was removed from view and the people rejoiced at our modern accomplishments. BUT WAIT...what's this? For weeks after each heavy rain the Jones Falls peeks out of the grates on the Fallsway.  I grin every time I bike by and see her, reaching up her watery fingers from her cast iron prison to the asphalt. I think of the future when the cities are gone and Baltimore once again, much like Brad Pitt, has a river that runs through it.  So do your worst public servants!  Try and protect the population from themselves by putting those pipes wherever.  Just remember, she's gonna keep working to escape and you're gonna have to be there to re-contain her. 

                       

Wednesday, 8:14am: Guilford & Read St.

Baltimore, you should know that though I love you, I am a Steelers fan.  I know, I know . . . "boooo....hissss....how can you be a Steelers fan?  You live in Baltimore!" et cetera, et cetera.  It's a story that I have told a hundred times to a thousand people and will tell again if you ask nicely.  That all said, say what you will about the Steelers (even though they are champions and a class organization), you would never find one of their jerseys in a newly planted Redbud tree on Guilford Avenue on the walk to work, no sir.  That would be nonsense. Put that hate energy where it truly belongs Baltimore, in the D.C. suburbs.  And while you're at it, take that Redskins jersey and throw it up in that tree wherever.  

Friday, 7:34am: Somewhere Near My Buddy, Rob's, House, Mt. Vernon

My co-worker, and dare I say, friend, sent this my way on our commute to the museum today.  His reaction via text was something like, "Wow, I have the Baltimore City Paper!  To hell with the Internet!" I then imagined this person of his excitedly marching home, ripping his computer away from the desk, walking back to this City Paper box, and slamming that thing on top all in one grand gesture.  "No more Internet for me world! I have the truth in print!" Alas, the very idea of this is nonsense (as she types her blog post on her ipad). The reality? The reality is some MICA kid got a brand new Mac for their Green Design class and just couldn't bare to have this monstrosity sitting by the door of their studio apartment any longer. I mean, recycling pick up is like totally four days away. Good job student citizen.  Just put your unwanted computer parts wherever. I'm sure another MICA type will use 'em for their ironic trash-based art and we will all hate it, ironically. 

Friday, Dusk: Somewhere Near the Red Star, Fell's Point

Oh, Baltimore, it's been a while since you've provided me a piece of well placed nonsense to blog about but I knew it was only a matter of time. You just can't resist gently whispering into the ears of your citizens, "Hey, just put that wherever. Yeah, right there on the corner of that street where the wheelchairs cross." The gem below was offered up by our newest friend, Melissa, and is more than worthy. Now, what we're working with here is a real chicken and egg situation. Was the doll left, unloved, next to the shit bag? Or was the owner of the shit bag like, "F walking over to that trash can, I'm putting this shit by this doll." OR were they placed there together, at the same time?! We will never know, Baltimore. And once again, through the help of your magical population, you weave us mysteries that shall never be solved and we will continue to love you for it.