Sunday, 8:13am: Mt. Royal & Calvert St.

I found this lovely wonder on a perfect Sunday morning, while walking the dog. Coming back inside, the boyfriend and I discussed why such a thing would be left on the sidewalk so early. My guess: onion omelet brunch at a friends house. And I can only hope that there was someone out there saying, "Shit! I lost the half bag of chopped red onion!" Then they sadly proceeded making the omelets, onion-less, because grocery stores round our way don't open until 10 a.m. on Sunday.  Bummer. So, sorry early morning omelet maker, sorry you dropped your half bag of chopped onion wherever.  I hope your day improved or you at least found some mushrooms or peppers or something to substitute. 

Tuesday, 6:00pm: The Fallsway: HISTORIC EDITION

It's no secret that I spend a great deal of my life going up and down the Fallsway.  What is a secret is my fascination of our great city's sewer system.  Citizens, the Jones Falls helped make this city what it is. Hell, part of our humble beginnings used to be called 'Jones' Town'. But the majesty of the river that provided fresh water and ran openly through our streets ended when the old-timey-time citizens and old-timey-time mills turned it into a wretched open sewer causing a massive public health emergency round about the time of the Great Fire. Go figure. So, from the late 1800's into the early 1900's, we buried the fucker. Piped it up so she could not only have a chance to clean herself up but so future citizens would be prevented from using it as a literal shit hole. In 1915, the project was done. The river was removed from view and the people rejoiced at our modern accomplishments. BUT WAIT...what's this? For weeks after each heavy rain the Jones Falls peeks out of the grates on the Fallsway.  I grin every time I bike by and see her, reaching up her watery fingers from her cast iron prison to the asphalt. I think of the future when the cities are gone and Baltimore once again, much like Brad Pitt, has a river that runs through it.  So do your worst public servants!  Try and protect the population from themselves by putting those pipes wherever.  Just remember, she's gonna keep working to escape and you're gonna have to be there to re-contain her. 

                       

Wednesday, 8:14am: Guilford & Read St.

Baltimore, you should know that though I love you, I am a Steelers fan.  I know, I know . . . "boooo....hissss....how can you be a Steelers fan?  You live in Baltimore!" et cetera, et cetera.  It's a story that I have told a hundred times to a thousand people and will tell again if you ask nicely.  That all said, say what you will about the Steelers (even though they are champions and a class organization), you would never find one of their jerseys in a newly planted Redbud tree on Guilford Avenue on the walk to work, no sir.  That would be nonsense. Put that hate energy where it truly belongs Baltimore, in the D.C. suburbs.  And while you're at it, take that Redskins jersey and throw it up in that tree wherever.  

Friday, Dusk: Somewhere Near the Red Star, Fell's Point

Oh, Baltimore, it's been a while since you've provided me a piece of well placed nonsense to blog about but I knew it was only a matter of time. You just can't resist gently whispering into the ears of your citizens, "Hey, just put that wherever. Yeah, right there on the corner of that street where the wheelchairs cross." The gem below was offered up by our newest friend, Melissa, and is more than worthy. Now, what we're working with here is a real chicken and egg situation. Was the doll left, unloved, next to the shit bag? Or was the owner of the shit bag like, "F walking over to that trash can, I'm putting this shit by this doll." OR were they placed there together, at the same time?! We will never know, Baltimore. And once again, through the help of your magical population, you weave us mysteries that shall never be solved and we will continue to love you for it.

Sunday, 9:16pm: The Avenue, Hampden

Two Sundays ago the Baltimore Ravens defeated the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Wildcard Championship.  Even as a Steelers fan, I am happy for my city and its success.  However, it seems that Ravens fans are consistantly unable to be happy for themselves.  If they win, it wasn't a good win.  If a player does something well, another player is undoubtedly doing something stupid.  They kick a field goal?  Well, they should have got the touch down. And so it goes in Baltimore.  A city that has trouble accepting wins even when they are self-serving.  This trash can is a wonderful signifyer of this.  The Ravens win the wildcard game and the fans push what was a bolted down trash can into the Avenue.  So keep creating jobs Ravens fans; punch each other in the face to give the cops something to do, tear things up for the city to repair, and by all means don't forget to put that trash can, and its contents, just wherever in the middle of a main street.  It's fine.  Even when you're winning. 

Thursday, 6:24pm: The Guilford Bridge, Again

After the discovery of the first medical waste pile, a good friend explained that catheters are often stolen from hospitals and clinics in order to collect clean pee for drug testing. What!? I didn't fully buy this explanation until I was walking Shambles on the bridge last Thursday, and there it was, on the opposite side of the bridge from the original pile, another couple of catheters and a pile of gauze discarded at the wooden foot of a road work sign. So friends, if you need clean pee for the next meeting with your parole officer I have an inside line on some unused catheters. In the meantime, just put them wherever crooked clinic employees. We'll be sure to keep an eye on them while you're away.

Last Friday, 4pm: The Guilford Bridge

This is a special post that some of you are lucky enough to already be familiar with. Last week, Seth and I were walking along the Guilford bridge after a lovely afternoon spent in the Greenmount Cemetery. We were lucky enough to stumble upon this pile of treasure. I did my civic duty and called 311. The woman on the call said dutifully, "this issue will be resolved in 3-7 days" (to be fair, she did seem surprised when I explained that there was a pile of medical waste on Guilford Ave.). I am pleased to report that it took more than three but less than 7 days to clean it up. So go on crazy runaway medical patient, just put that used catheter bag wherever. Baltimore will be sure to get to it in 3-7 business days.

Tuesday, 12:30pm: Mt. Royal Avenue

Nothing says Bmore like a can of Natty Boh....on a fence. Hey man, just stick that can upside down right there.

Sunday, 5:30pm: The Fallsway

Biking home after work on the Fallsway.  Just put that toilet paper wherever, it's cool.