Sunday, 3:32pm: Martin's Grocery Store, LaVale, MD: SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION

The American grocery store. Home of club card tilapia, year-long supplies of strawberries, and of course, the salad bar complete with hard boiled eggs and blue cheese crumbles. After picking up our family-size trays of steamed shrimp, finish-in-three-bite sandwiches, and shipped-from-Chile mixed fruit arrangement, Jaime Sawyers and I witnessed this beauty: The I-Wanted-A-Specific-Kind-Of-Salad-So-Much-That-I-Worked-To-Put-It-Together-Myself-But-Fuck-It-I-Changed-My-Mind-I'm-Putting-It-Wherever Salad. Dear, sweet, suburban, grocery store goer, just leave that incredibly perishable item that can't be re-sold wherever.  Oh yeah, and while you're at it don't forget your 50 piece box of frozen jalepeno popppers that you know you're going to eat for lunch instead.